I can remember the moment as though it was yesterday.  The moment that you see a test result and your heart fills with joy and your head fills with fear.  Your world is about to change.  Are you ready?  Are you capable?  Are you worthy of such a blessing?  I was blessed with such a moment three times.  I remember (or shall I say I miss) feeling them grow and live inside me.  I remember their births and how each one has their own story and complications.  Most of all, I remember falling so utterly in love with a little person for absolutely no reason at all.  It was such an overwhelming feeling of love.  I was so worried with my second child that there wouldn’t be enough room in my heart.  I quickly learned that there is always room to love more children just as much as the first.  My children are the center of my world and have won over my heart just by taking their first breaths.

It has been 12 years since I found out I was pregnant with my oldest daughter.  TWELVE YEARS!  Where has that time gone?  So much has happened in that time, so I don’t know why I am so surprised.  My middle child is turning 7 and my youngest is now 4.  I have really been struggling lately with my kids growing up.  I know that I signed up for this.  Children don’t stay babies forever.  There are no parent permission slips required for a birthday to pass.  I want to watch them grow.  I look forward to them learning new things and becoming who they are to be.

I don’t want them to grow up now.  I want them to stay babies forever.  I loved them as babies.  With their new found sense of independence, I miss how they needed me when they were younger.  I know that they still need me, just in different ways now.  You probably think I’m crazy.  “Come on, Crystal, it’s not like they are 20.  You have many years left to enjoy them as children.”  I get that, totally.  I’m just mourning the loss of the baby and toddler years.  If we could have more children, I would be demanding another right now.  Ok, we can’t have more children and I’m still demanding more, lol.  I cry a lot when I reminisce.  It feels like postpartum tears, they just come and are hard to stop.

It seems that my tears aren’t going to stop this train, though.  All I have are my memories, photos and video clips.  Most importantly I have the love and trust that they have given me because I loved them so deeply.  I’m not a perfect parent, I’m actually far from it.  But I value their lives more than my own and have tried very hard to show them that.  So, all I can do now is enjoy their next chapter.  I pray every day that I am doing a good job raising them to be honest, gentle, loving, generous and intelligent members of society.